Children Divorce

Protecting Your Children as you Divorce

The ones who suffer the most in divorce are the children
of the couple divorcing. Divorce is a total family affair.
Carefully consider the repercussions that divorce will have
on your child or children. They feel lost and insecure when
parents divorce, and older children suffer just as much as
the younger ones. Many children blame themselves for
divorce. It is the responsibility of each parent to make
the transition as easy as possible.

One of the best things that you can do for your children is
to avoid fighting in front of them, particularly about
issues which directly relate to the divorce, such as child
support, custody and other related topics. This will only
exacerbate the problems that they may have to face in the
area of adjustment, and typically forces them to feel as
though they need to take "sides" in the divorce.

This is the worst possible thing you can do regarding your
children. This has real psychological effects, as no child
wants to view their parent negatively, no matter what the
other parent says. Children who have been used as weapons
in custody battles have been known to exhibit physical as
well as psycholgical illness as a result. When a parent is
using a child to hurt their ex-spouse, one must question
the love that parent has for the child. No amount of hatred
or disgust should lead a parent to damage their child.

Communication is not always at its best during divorce
proceedings, or even after the fact. You must remember,
however, that our children are neither messengers nor
spies. If you have something to discuss with the other
parent, then make direct contact, and keep it civil. In
spite of how you may feel about the person, this is also
the children's parent, and they still love that parent,
just as they love you.

Remember all the changes your child has to face now that
you are going through a divorce.In a way, losing one parent,
suffering the inevitable thoughts that they are to blame,
or at least, they could have stopped it, etc. With these
changes going on, try to keep other changes at a minimum.
If they child can stay in the same residence and the same
school, at least for a while, it will ease them into the
situation more delicately. Always remind your children
nothing has changed between you and them, you are their
parent and will always be there for them. Make sure you pay
your child support. With all the change and trauma going on
in their lives, they should not have to suffer financially.

Working with your ex-spouse to ensure that a common
philosophy of discipline is consistent between the two
households is essential to maintaining your children's
stability and security. Looking forward to going to "dad's
house" because he gives them everything that they want
without appropriate punishments, when necessary, rather
than staying at "mom's house," where discipline is enforced
is one scenario that you should avoid creating for your
children.

Another common problem that parents should avoid is to
criticize or ridicule your ex in front of the children. A
needs to respect his or her parent, and hearing them
criticized by the other parent will make the pain, loss and
guilt they are dealing with even worse. If you need to talk
about your spouse, find a trusted friend, relative, or even
a counselor. You should never expect your children to have
to listen to your complaints about their parent, whom they
still love. The result of this strategy is that the child
will have to defend the parent and you'll look worse.

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Ralph Crainer operates the website
Divorce Y, inc.
which a site dedicated to researching divorce related
topics and contains all the very latest divorce news and
views. Please visit http://www.divorcey.com if you have any
questions or comments concerning this article