Growing Apart

You used to be so happy together; now you feel as if you are drifting apart. You don’t talk as easily; you don’t feel as connected. You may even be wondering if you should stay in this relationship.

Being in relationship is hard work. Even very strong relationships require effort and attention. It is normal for committed relationships to change over time. The fun-filled romantic beginnings eventually give way to the realities of laundry, bills, errands, etc. Some days look hopeful, but other days you wonder, “What happened to the close friendship we once had?”

It is normal for relationships to have their ups and downs, but some problems do not get better on their own and require more than just waiting for the storm to pass. When a couple begins to grow apart, neither one of them feels content - they may feel sad or worried.

The good news is - there is hope!

Here are a few things you can do to reconnect to each other and strengthen your relationship.

Name the problem – talk about the feelings of distance, stress, and worry that you are experiencing. This is not a chance to blame someone for the distance, but rather a chance to begin to understand what this experience is like for each of you.

Have a date every week – put it on the calendar, get a sitter if necessary, and spend time together. Go someplace where you can talk rather than a movie where you are watching and not interacting. Take a walk together, or go out for coffee or ice cream. Take turns deciding where to go on dates, San Antonio and the Hill Country are full of wonderful places where you can spend time together.
If one or both of you are doing overtime at work, agree to cut back on this a bit so that you have time and energy for your relationship. Yes, we love our jobs and they are often demanding – but when you feel happy at home, you will be better at your work.
Can you identify a particular time or event that might have started this emotional shift? Maybe there wasn’t an event, but perhaps a series of events that pulled your attention other places. If you two can figure this out, you can have a different response in the future.
If you are holding onto anger that is keeping you apart, work to resolve it.
Make a list of at least 20 things you really admire about each other. Tell each other one item from your list every day for a month. This helps you remember why you fell in love, and helps you tune in to your partner. You can have fun with this – send your “I admire…” in an email or a card, or leave post-it notes around the house.
Don’t underestimate the stress that comes with feeling disconnected to each other. Stress contributes to most major illness. You will be helping yourselves and your relationship by tending to stressors.
Set aside time every day to talk. Reflect on your day, or things you are worrying about. This is a great time to tell your partner what you admire in her. Daily connections will help you tune-in to each other.
If nothing seems to work, seek an outside objective opinion from a friend, clergypersonson, or therapist.

There is a pattern here – if you want to feel closer to your mate, you need to actually spend time with each other. By making time together a priority, you create a space to reconnect.

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There are times in all relationships where couples can feel distant. However, you do not have to settle for a relationship that is “okay,” you can actually have fun together and rekindle the love you once had.

Visit my website http://cynthiamckenna.com and get more tips on improving your relationships.

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