Commitmentphobe
Dear Happy Couple:
I was wondering if you could help me
out with my situation. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 14
months now. When we first met he was head over heels for me
and looked like he was incredibly happy. He went way out of
his way for me and did whatever it took to make me happy. He
hates my career choice but supports me, every step of the way (I'm
a teacher). For almost nine months he would call me daily..
then I went on vacation. Everything changed. He barely calls
me for 10 minutes a day now and ignores my calls occasionally. I
know he's very busy with his business, but how did he go from
calling me for hours to barely minutes?
From what I've gotten so far I think
he's slipped into a comfort zone because he knows I won't leave,
and also he realized there's more in my life than just him. What
bothers me is that I feel like he's almost punishing me for all
this by not wanting to talk to me. I know he's been hurt a lot in
previous relationships but you'd think after this long he'd learn
to trust me and open up.
If you could please give me some
advice I'd really appreciate it!
She Says:
There are several ways to look at
this situation.
The first is yes, he is a
commitmentphobe and has a hard time trusting in relationships.
This can stem from being hurt in prior relationships. There is
another way to look at this scenario. It may be possible that
he is not good at communicating and his other relationships ended
when he "slipped into his comfort zone". He has to
keep in mind that relationships take work and a great deal of
communication.
The other way to look at it is he has
lost interest or is bothered by the fact you went on vacation
without him.
Either way you need to open up the
lines of communication and find out what is wrong. If he uses
the angle that he has just been busy, that is not good enough.
All relationships require nurturing, no matter what stage they are
at. If he cannot provide that, the relationship can't
last. You will always feel left out and like you are being
punished for having a life.
He Says:
I believe what you said in the first
part of your question to be the answer to your question.
Dating and beginning a relationship is about accepting the other
person for who they are and what they do. Your boyfriend needs
to be aware of the fact that teaching is your career choice and if
he cannot live with that he needs to move on. Since he was
unable to do this he has now chosen to make you suffer emotionally
for one of his selfish hang ups about your career. Your best
course of action is to confront him directly about the lack of
attention to see if it is related to your career. Be honest
with him and tell him the hour long calls might have been over doing
it but there is a certain amount of attention the you do need.
Betrayed By Boyfriend
Dear Happy Couple,
I recently found out the my boyfriend of 15
months was married for
the first year of our relationship. He did not
come out and tell me.
When I finally met his parents, who live in another
state, I saw the
anniversary on his dad's calendar. His ex moved
out about one month after
we started dating but they did not file for divorce
until 9 months into
our relationship. I know what we have is special,
and I know his
feelings are sincere, but how do I deal with my
insecurities? I still have
so many doubts. Thanks
She Says:
I don't think this is necessarily grounds for a break
up, but it is definitely the time to set forth your
rules of communication. You have to discuss your
feelings with him. Let him know about your insecurities
and how you feel about honesty. It was not a good
way to start the relationship but opening up now and
letting him know how important honesty is to you is imperative.
You can move forward as long as you two agree that
communication and honesty is one of the most important
aspects of a successful relationship.
As for his reasons for lying to you; I'm sure it was
out of fear. There are several underlying reasons
for the relationship challenges in communication, the
top two being fear and social conditioning, Be cautious
but clear about how important honesty and openness is in
a relationship. This is your opportunity to set
the stage for communication in your
relationship.
If you are to move forward, you have to be willing to
forgive. You can not have a successful
relationship with resentment or pent up feelings.
Couples have survived much worse. The key to your
success is being honest with him and being honest with
yourself. If you decide to work it through you
have to be able to forgive and he has to be able to open
up to you. Without trust on both sides the
relationship will not survive.
Good luck to you. I truly wish you the best.
He Says:
The first question that
comes to my mind is can you trust him? You have to
be honest with yourself when it comes to a question of
this magnitude. Most likely you know in your
heart, if you can indeed trust him from this point
forward. The critical issue is separating what in
your heart you know to be true and as opposed to
clouding the issue with selfish thoughts of just wanting
a companion or just a basic need to have a mate. A
great deal of care must be taken at this juncture
because if you choose incorrectly you will hold these
feelings of doubt and apprehension for the entire term
of the relationship.
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Am I too Picky?
Dear
Happy Couple,
I
have not been in a serious relationship for years. My friends
tell me it its because I'm too picky, but I can't help how I
feel. Nobody seems to be what I'm looking for. All I
want is a nice looking, funny, intelligent, professional, college
educated man who likes the finer things in life. The way I see
it, I work in an office, I can't imagine being with a man who has
dirt under his fingernails, or drives a pickup truck and likes to
come home and have a beer. I enjoy concerts and fine wine, and
would prefer a man who likes the same. I'm going to be forty next
year and am worried that all of the nice mature, refined men in the
world are taken.
Sincerely,
Picky
Chick
She
Says:
There
is a difference between being picky and setting criteria. Of
course, we are all interested in a certain type of person, but
sometimes to find that you need to look deeper than what someone
does for a living or what kind of car they drive. You might be
pleasantly surprised to find that even a man with dirt under his
nails at the end of the day might enjoy wine too (you can always buy
him a nail brush). Nobody wants to be chosen for what they
have or just because their interests are similar to yours, they want
to be loved for who they are. If you insist on finding someone
that fits your ideal on the outside I suggest you start looking at
wine tastings and concerts.
He
Says:
You
said at one time you were in a serious relationship. Judging
by your dating criteria it seems that the last serious relationship
as well as the subsequent attempts have been with the same type of
man. Your friends say that you are too picky, I don't believe
that this is true. It is important to have standards and not
to settle for anything less than what is going to make you happy.
however, it is my opinion that the criteria that you have set forth
for your potential LTR may not be entirely what you feel comfortable
with. In other words, think about some of your past
relationships and what made them go bad. I believe it could be
possible that some criteria that you have set forth could have very
well generated a personality type that you might not
necessarily get along with. What you need to do is look inside
yourself more deeply to determine what will make you happy.
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