signs cheating spouse

There are so many different lists claiming to reveal the telltale signs of a cheating spouse that it is hard to know what to believe. More importantly, the problem with providing such lists is that any specific behavior is always open to more than one interpretation. For instance, does your spouse’s sudden wardrobe change indicate a cheating heart or the desire to get the next promotion at work? In reality, the real reason underlying any behavior is usually difficult to determine.

And to make matters more complicated, the lists that have been produced typically employ a shot-gun approach. That is, identify every possible “sign of cheating” that could exist and create a laundry list of cues. Such lists tend to overwhelm a suspicious spouse, leaving him or her in a more heightened state of anxiety.

What is often missing from these lists is some thought or consideration about how our intimate relationships work. With a little work, it is possible to draw upon research on romantic relationships and create different lists of cues all tailored to different circumstances. In other words, based on what we know about relational dynamics, what types of cues are more likely to emerge in different types of relationships? For example, what types of cues are likely to emerge when you spouse is having an emotional affair versus when you spouse is considering leaving you?

By analyzing the cues that have been identified we have created five different sets of cues that are likely to emerge in different types of situations.

Sexual Infidelity Only - No emotional Involvement

A few possible warning signs:

Unexplained discovery or loss of clothing items
Unaccounted for loss of time
Unaccounted for use of contraceptives or ED meds

Polite Disengagement – Spouse is relatively happy with your relationship, but more in love with someone else, and he/she is considering leaving you.

A few possible warning signs:

Less excitement to see you
May seem reluctant to make future commitments
Noticeably polite and courteous
Less talk or sharing of feelings
Less passionate sex

Hostile Disengagement – Spouse is unhappy with your relationship, more in love with someone else, and he/she is considering leaving you.

A few possible warning signs:

More critical, hostile, and angry
May refuse to have sex
More conflict over money, finances
Refuses to make future commitments
Disinterest in things around the house

Confused Engagement – Spouse is equally in love with you and someone else and he/she does not know what to do.

A few possible warning signs:

Drastic mood swings
Exaggerated displays of affection followed by quiet periods
Sex may be more emotional and intense
May seem distracted, caught day dreaming
Sudden change in interests and habits

Feeling Trapped – Spouse is in love with someone else but feels that he/she cannot leave you.

A few possible warning signs:

May seem annoyed, frustrated
Does own thing with little concern or regard for you
Sudden need for space, privacy
Erratic changes in work schedule
May miss or cancel events planned with you

Again, it is helpful to point out that even these more targeted signs of cheating are not without their problems. Warning signs of cheating should not be confused with proof of infidelity.

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Timothy Cole, PhD. For more information on the warning signs of cheating and infidelity, see http://www.truthaboutdeception.com